“Forgiveness will unleash a power in your life that is underrated and often ignored.”   – Allen R. Hunt – Everybody Needs to Forgive Somebody

With forgiveness comes growth and grace for yourself and others. When we forgive others we are removing negativity from our hearts and minds. 

 I’ve truly never been one to hold grudges, anger, or bitterness in my heart towards anything or anyone. My motto since High School was “no regrets”. That meant that I gave myself permission to make mistakes, to love, and to live. When we truly live our lives we risk getting hurt and I can tell you that there have been many instances in where I’ve found myself having to forgive.

Unforgiveness and grudge hurt us more than it hurts the person that actually did the hurting, betraying, breaking of trust, and caused us intense emotional pain. Often times you’ll see that as my friend Nesa reminded me this week “hurt people…hurt people”. 

 I’ll share a little story with you. In 1994, what should have been perhaps my first great accomplishment as I was graduating from high school, turned into possibly one of the worst days I had experience in 17 years. This experience took place because a hurt person decided to hurt others. I’ll spare you the details but I’ll share enough to give you some overall context.

The incident ended in my first and last physical fight (other than being a young girl fighting with her brother and cousin). I reacted to someone’s disrespectful behavior towards me and a loved one. At 17, I didn’t really think about the consequences, I just reacted to the hurt. Up to this day, I have very faded memories of what took place immediately after the incident. But I can tell you that within just a few weeks or months that day turned into what I viewed then… as the biggest betrayal by a loved one.

After that betrayal, I didn’t speak to my loved one for a little while but due to the nature of the relationship, I was not able to keep that ugliness and grudge in my heart. But the bitterness and hatred that I felt for that other person were greater than any negative feelings I had ever felt. And if I have to be quite honest, those are still the worst feelings I’ve ever held in my heart towards anyone in my 44 years. I held those feelings for quite some time and truth be told, I can’t remember how long because I’ve erased much of that experience and those feelings from my heart and my mind. But in order to bring closure to this story, I have to share with you what led to the forgiveness. 

This is the first time that I am sharing this story. I think I’ve maybe shared it once or twice in the past with a close friend. Prior to forgiveness, I had nightmares often where I pictured a different ending to that physical fight. In many of those nightmares, I was able to get my revenge. One night, I had this horrible nightmare worst than any other.

**Warning..as this may be a trigger for some of you who may have faced physical abuse or violence. If so, then you may not want to continue reading.** 

Anyhow, in this nightmare, I was fighting with this person and I literally chopped their head off and grabbed the head by the hair, turned on the gas stove, and threw the head on top of my gas stove. As you can imagine that was a horrible nightmare to wake up from. I may not remember a lot or how long I held those feelings in my heart but I do remember that vivid dream. I woke up a wreck because that wasn’t me. That wasn’t an action that I would ever take or ever desire to take. That nightmare scared me. It scared me because I didn’t understand how my mind could go there. And that was the day that I decided to forgive.

That was the day that I realized that those feelings were only hurting me. This person had moved on with their lives and so had my loved one. Yet, I was holding this hatred and grudge in my heart. That was the day that I realized that bitterness and anger were holding me back from greatness. On that very same day, I got on my knees and prayed. I got on my knees and prayed for all those feelings to go away. And I realized that in addition to praying I needed to forgive for the feelings to actually go away. I had to say it out loud in order to relieve myself from what I was feeling.

I have to admit that as I write this to you today, I have tears coming down my face. I cry because in writing this I realize the power that came with overcoming that hatred and being able to forgive. I don’t cry because it still hurts, because it doesn’t, I cry because the hurt was significant, and it was a significant moment in my life.

Sometimes life gives us those significant moments in order for us to be stronger and to grow. And unfortunately, sometimes those moments come with suffering and pain. But until we forgive, until we forgive ourselves, until we forgive whoever hurt us…we are not able to move forward and grow. 

It takes a lot to forgive others and to forgive ourselves when we are the ones to put ourselves in hurtful situations. But that’s where we need to look up to our creator, look up to God and ask for strength. In practicing forgiveness we strengthen our mental muscles so that the next time we face something that hurts us we are able to utilize our mental muscles to help us move through that pain. We are able to activate the Sage part of our brain where positive emotions live (peace and calm, clear-headed focus, creativity, and big picture) to bring in the gift that situation has presented us. Because every situation, every heartache comes with a gift and we can access those gifts if we train ourselves to do so. Your Sage will help you access the gift of knowledge, power, and inspiration. 

Once we choose to see the gift, that gift will help us continue to move forward with forgiveness. In my story, I chose the gifts of knowledge and power. I remember learning whom to trust and allow in my life from that experience, and I also learned that I have the power to overcome my feelings and shift my thoughts. 

So, I ask you again, whom do you need to forgive today?

With love and gratitude, 

Vimari  

Mental Fitness is the X-Factor!

Interested in learning how to strengthen your Mental Muscles so that you can access your Sage and find the gift in everything?

I have one (1) seat left for my next 6-week Mental Fitness Positive Intelligence (PQ) Program starting this coming Saturday, Sept 11th.

I’ve extended the LaborDayFam 25% discount…you have just 24-hours to register by 2 pm tomorrow Friday, Sept 9th. Register NOW:  www.eventbrite.com/e/167881745821/?discount=LaborDayFam

I want to invite you to shift your perspective from perfect order to perfect harmony.

As some of you know, my husband and I have a 16-year-old Chocolate Labrador (Shadow), and last week I received a text from a dear friend with the most adorable picture of a 10-month-old Chocolate Labrador that needed a new home. I wasn’t interested in getting a second dog but my husband has been asking to get a second dog for about a year. My concern has always been my Shadow. How will he adjust as an only child?! But in seeing this sweet face I told myself that I would inquire and if it was meant to be it would be. We took our Shadow to meet the puppy and they did well and we slept on the decision before deciding to bring the puppy home this past Friday. We knew our 16 years old would take some time before he would adjust to our new family of four but neither of us knew what to expect when integrating a new dog into the pack. However, we learned quickly that it will take some time and that’s when we shifted our routines from perfect order to perfect harmony.

This tip can apply to any situation especially for those of you who may have the “Stickler” as a top saboteur. It takes strong mental muscles not to allow your saboteurs to hijack your mind by a sudden change of routine or situation. 

Thanks to my work with Positive Intelligence (PQ), I’ve made Mental Fitness my X-Factor and I’ve helped my husband navigate his saboteurs as well.

The good news is that – you can too!

I invite you to join my next 6-week Mental Fitness Positive Intelligence Program starting September 11th.

I overheard a recent interview on one of the new’s channels as my husband was watching his daily COVID-19 update, and this time they had John Whyte the Chief Medical Officer, of WebMD, who was explaining that the most typed search on their website right now is for anxiety and depression symptoms. This didn’t surprise me knowing that many of us are experiencing high-stress levels and anxiety during this time of pandemic as we face COVID-19 and the global financial crisis. I was happy to see that this was finally a discussion on the news channels. 

I’ve always had an interest in mental health, I even wanted to major in psychology before getting caught up in my hospitality career. Then throughout the years, I’ve dealt first hand with the anxiety and depression of different family members including my mom, grandmother, and husband. As a coach, I’ve helped many of my clients incorporate practices to help avoid the onset of stress and anxiety from their careers. It was due to this interest that I decided to start my Face Everything & Rise, free weekly mental health support group during COVID-19.

One of the practices I incorporate is mindfulness. I happen to love mindfulness and have had my own practice for over 8 years. In this new post, I’d like to share with you 5 of my favorite mindfulness exercises. Before I do, in case you are not familiar with what mindfulness is, I’ll bring you up to speed quickly.

Lets first look at the definition of mindfulness according to the dictionary:

mind·ful·ness
/ˈmīn(d)f(ə)lnəs/
noun

1.
the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
“their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition”
2.
a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

Next lets look at the overall benefits of mindfulness?

• Improves overall health
• Improves Cognition
• Improves Performance
• Brings Joy
• Helps us sleep better
• Improves self-esteem

Here are some ways that we can practice mindfulness:

• Staying in the NOW
• Meditating
• Eating mindfully
• Observing our breathing
• Connecting to our senses
• Listening to the sounds around us
• Starting a gratitude practice

Here are the five simple mindfulness exercises that you can incorporate to help reduce stress and anxiety:

1) Color Walk (one of my favorites)
If you have a dog then you can practice this during your dog walks otherwise if you do not just simply go for a ten-minute walk by yourself. Pick a color that comes to your mind. During your walk, you will look for all the things that you can see in that color. Don’t focus on things, just focus on the color. You will be amazed at the things you see. At the end of your walk, think back about all the new things you saw.

Example:
Pick the color red. Notice the red flowers, a red car driving by, your neighbor’s red door, etc. Pick a different color each time.
Start in your block then go to new surroundings. You can also do this by walking around your home.

2) STOP: Take a Mindfulness Pause
When you notice that you are feeling overwhelmed, take a pause. Next follow these basic mindfulness practice instructions that will support re-engagement of your prefrontal cortex (our “logic center”) enabling you better access to your inner wisdom, awareness, and creative thinking.

• Start by noticing or experiencing what is happening within your body at that moment.
• Next, just sit with (allow) yourself to feel these sensations and breathe.
• Whenever your mind wanders into the negative or overwhelming thoughts, simply return to noticing your body sensations.
• After about 30 seconds notice if you feel a change in your sensations. What are you experiencing now?
• Breathe into this new sensation and just notice your breath as it is.
• This Mindfulness Pause takes less than two minutes, yet quickly creates a calmer space. Once in this calmer space, ask yourself what it is that you want to focus on that would have the greatest positive impact in the situation (or in the context of your bigger goals) and continue about your day.

3) Meet Each Day with the Best of Who You Are
This exercise has a small piece of pre-work, and is then followed by a mindfulness exercise to “meet each day with the best of who you are”. You can use this mindfulness practice daily or whenever you want to intentionally create your day.

Pre-work: Start by writing down what an ideal day might look like for you. Then explore what factors get in your way of creating your ideal day, and what would help you create it.

Here’s the Mindfulness Exercise to Meet Each Day with the Best of Who You Are:

4) FEEL Your Breathing for 20 Counts
This is a quick tool we coaches use with clients – and clients can use for themselves – when the stress and anxiety are extreme. You can use this easy exercise when you are feeling overwhelmed, stressed about a difficult decision, prior to meetings or difficult conversations, or following stressful incidents from which you need to cool down. Here’s how:

• Start by sitting in a comfortable position, placing your feet on the floor.
• Next, place one hand on your abdomen and then to place one hand over your heart.
• Now simply breathe – without any need to control the breath – just breathe.
• Count the out-breaths from 1 up to 20.
• Notice when your thoughts distract you (without self-judgment or criticism), and then return your attention to your breathing.
• Why this works: Feeling your chest and abdomen rise and fall under your hands signals to your brain that the threat is over, and instantly stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system (the “rest and digest” part of our nervous system) which then switches off the threat response activation to bring a sense of calm.

5) Simple Breathing Exercise
This is another quick breathing exercise that is easy and you can do it anywhere.

• Start by sitting in a comfortable position, placing your feet on the floor with your back straight, shoulders down and chest up.
• Next, place both hands on your thighs facing up or down whatever feels normal for you.
• Now take 3 regular deep breaths – without any need to control the breath – just breathe.
• Next, take a deep breath in counting the breath in from 1 up to 5 or 10.
• Hold the breath for a count of 5 to 10 (same count as your deep breath in).
• Breath out counting the out-breaths from 1 up to 5 or 10 (always use the same number you used to take your deep breath in).
• Repeat this 3 times and then notice how you feel. You should feel much better. If you don’t then repeat this breathwork 3 more times.

I hope these exercises are helpful to you. If you decide to start your mindfulness practice please email me and let me know how it’s going. I’d love to hear from you!

Stress, worry, and anxiety are common problems that many of us experience from time to time. However, as everyone knows, we are living in uncertain times right now as we face the Coronavirus Pandemic. As humans, during uncertain times, our stress, worry, and anxiety accelerate, and this pandemic has done just that for many. The world, as we knew it has changed drastically in the last few weeks. As Americans, this is the first time we are experiencing anything of this caliber. Given the news coverage, it is hard not to worry about what this all means for our loved ones and for us.

The pandemic has already caused a financial crisis for many industries. One of those industries is the Hospitality Industry, where thousands of people have been laid off or furloughed from one day to the other. For those dealing with the loss of a job on top of the unknown, it can feel incredibly overwhelming, leading to anxiety or depression.

We all handle our stress and our emotions differently, and this is something we need to keep in mind as we practice social distancing. We are left at home with our loved ones, and this new normal has us together 24/7, which for many, could be an adjustment that takes time.

Like you and most households, I’ve experienced this in my own home in the last couple of weeks. I’ve always worked from home, so that for me is not different. But like many, my spouse is now at home also. This is not a bad thing; however, we both handle stress differently, and this pandemic has created another level of stress for us. 

You see, I handle things by continuing with my routines and keeping myself busy. On the other hand, my husband wants to be informed and is glued to the news channels. I’ve maintained my morning routines with prayer, dog walks, and yoga. He has had trouble sleeping and, as a result, feels irritated. My spiritual meetings have moved to Zoom meetings, and he has disconnected himself from his meetings. The differences in our self-care routines have shown. I am not as stressed, and his anxiety levels have increased.  

I have to admit that the first week of this new household routine took a toll on us. Our patience with each other decreased, and we argued more. But then one day, after asking myself what could be happening, I realized that his mood swings were coming from a place of fear. Fear for our future and what can happen to us. That’s when I realized that for us to get back to loving each other, I needed to show compassion and my routine needed to include him. 

I share this with you because I know we are not alone. I know there are many couples and households that may be experiencing the same challenges and I want you to know that you are not alone. This is the time that we all need to be compassionate and loving towards one another, even when we don’t feel like it. 

Worry and fear come from thinking about the future. It is natural to worry during uncertain times like these. But if you feel that your anxiety is becoming excessive and taking over your life, then it’s crucial to take steps to manage your wellbeing with self-care.

How do you know when worry is taking over your life?

• You have restlessness, unable to relax or problems sleeping that can include strange dreams/nightmares.
• You feel upset, short-tempered, or exhausted all the time. 
• You are experiencing difficulty concentrating, staying focused, or working.
• You feel unexplained muscle tension, aches, and pains.

In addition to compassion, it is essential to practice self-care techniques. One of my favorite self-care techniques is mindfulness. Mindfulness is a technique that will help you cope with the worry. Mindfulness is staying in the present. If you feel any of the symptoms listed above, then this is the time to stay in the moment and not think about what could happen. Mindfulness will help you do this.

Here are a few mindfulness exercises that you can do to help you deal with your worry and anxiety:

• Focus on your breath throughout the day. Make sure you are taking deep breaths. Take 10 deep breaths when you feel the worry or anxiety coming on.
• Pick a color and take a walk. As you walk, look around for all the things you can identify that are in that color. This will take your mind off the negativity.
• Daily Journal: A daily practice can help you release your anxiety. Journal about how you feel and what you can do to release those feelings or keep a gratitude journal.

The unknown can be scary. Self-care and compassion are most important now more than ever. It is essential to take this time to do what makes you feel good. To be you while caring for your loved ones too.

Another way to look after yourself is by keeping a daily routine. This doesn’t have to be super structured, but it should include:

1. Things that give you a sense of achievement: Cleaning out closets, doing your taxes, taking an online course, etc.
2. Things that help you feel close and connected: Calling friends and family, setting up a Zoom call so that you can all see each other, or playing a card game at home.
3. Things that bring you pleasure and joy: Reading a book, binge-watching your favorite series, dancing, singing, doing something creative, or trying something new.

Lastly, it’s okay to feel – move through your emotions. It’s okay to cry, shout, or scream. Just be mindful not to take it out on your loved ones, and if your loved ones need to cry, shout or scream, encourage them to do so and be there for them. We are all in this together, and we can get through it by taking care of ourselves and each other.

I am going to start a free support group via Zoom, and it will take place weekly on Wednesdays from noon to 1 pm (EST).  Everyone is invited. These will be purely support sessions, there will not be much structure, and I will not be selling anything at the end. We may have some topics to help us get our conversations started, and that will be the only structure. The idea is to have a support group that is a safe space where we can all be authentic as we continue to face the uncertain future of Covid-19.

Edited 3/30/20: Register on Evenbrite If you are interested in participating by clicking on this link: https://face-everything-and-rise-free-weekly-support-group.eventbrite.com

You will receive a link for the Zoom call once you register. The first call will take place this coming Wed, April 1st. If you know of anyone that may be interested, feel free to forward this article and/or just give them my email address.

Let’s keep ourselves healthy – mind, body, and soul. 

Blessings to all,

Vimari